Kate Louise Matthews: December 2015

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Lifestyle

Silence of the Lambs… the musical?!

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Lifestyle

Writers Block

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blogger

New Year’s Resolutions: The concept of perfectionism

For Christmas, Lucy and I received almost matching notebooks from her sister. As a stationery enthusiast (and I have no regrets as to how nerdy that sounds) this gift was adorable and well anticipated. It has given me an excuse to start writing a diary and do it properly for once, as well as share something special with my girlfriend. It’s been wonderful to write and share my thoughts and feelings with Luce, as well as get an insight into her inner ramblings as well. Despite this, it has also opened my eyes to a lot of negative traits I have and so has sparked a new reel of resolutions I will happily welcome in the new year.

Perfectionism is a trait that hasn't ever been a stranger to me. My need for order and good quality has often come in vicious waves – one second I can happily lie in my own dirt, the next I feel nothing by self-hatred for my spectacularly average work. Writing in my diary has brought to light just how self-critical I can be, especially as I am consciously editing my own thoughts before I write them down as to not offend myself when rereading them later. Most of my thoughts come back to the fact that things I create, do or think are not up to my high standard of perfection.

Of course, striving for perfection can be a fantastic thing. It gives the ‘kick up the ass’ people need to work harder and aim for better. I’ve kidded myself into believing this is the effect it has had on me, despite the fact that instead of working harder, I’m spending more time being critical of my own work and never really being satisfied. This is a vice that I quickly have to eradicate before it becomes a bigger problem, which brings me to my other New Year’s resolutions

Eliminate my high standards and learn to settle for good progress and achievable goals
Cultivate some motivation to actually stick to a fitness regime as to help resolution one
Learn to appreciate the little things more, as opposed to being obsessed with the future and the bigger picture

I think with the mixture of deep and stereotypical resolutions I should be able to find some balance and balance my erratic emotions and perfectionism into something positive and constructive.

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Lifestyle

"Dabbling" - Dealing with sexual identity confidence

So yesterday I was at work for the first time in months. Since moving to university, I hadn't worked a day behind a bar (or at all!) so I was excited to get stuck back in. Midway through my shift, a friend of mine asked me "since when were you lesbian?!"

Now, for a friend so openly gay the question didn't surprise me at all. It was my answer which was he real shock, when I said "oh I'm not lesbian, I'm just dabbling". What?! Now, it's only been about 4 months since I came out to my family and friends, and it was only about 4 months previous to that that I even considered embracing my attraction to both men and women. I always sort of knew, but I had no obligation to accept it due to being in a long term relationship with a guy. I apparently didn't think that people would ask questions, and now every time it's mentioned I get all choked up and embarrassed.

So my question today is, 'how do I become more confident in my sexual identity?' There's a lot of speculation about whether the LGBT community do in fact accept bisexuals due to the common misconception of us having a choice of sex. It is also apparent that some guys don't even take it seriously enough to consider a woman kissing another woman cheating (what?!). My experience with both of these in the short span of four months is probably the source of my reservations. That, and for the fact that a lot of wider society still frown upon any form of homosexuality. I was talking to my Lucy only last night about whether our children will miss out on certain friendships due to other unaccepting parents. We both find peace in the idea that a lot of our generation are so much more open to homosexuality and everything it entails. You could even argue that it seems to be creeping into the circle of trends.

Being confident in yourself, I find, can be really difficult and takes time. However, changing the way you dress or losing a pound or two can seem to lift most people's mood and confidence. Unfortunately you cannot just pick and change your mind about your sexuality, especially myself as I'm madly in love with another girl. I guess it will just take time, and the older I get the more people may not argue with my romantic affairs. Until then, I'll just have to fight the urge to swallow my tongue every time the topic arises, and learn to love it as a fact about myself, and something that makes me who I am!

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Fashion and Beauty

Product review - Younique Moodstruck 3D Fibre Lashes

Younique - Moodstruck 3D Fibre Lashes

Okay so I bought this mascara quite a few months ago now, in the peak of its viral selling. It cost me £30 with p&p from America, approximately the same as it does now. I was extremely sceptical, as with many things that suddenly become uber popular on the internet, but I’ve always had depressingly short eyelashes so thought I had nothing to lose.

The product comes in two parts: the transplanting gel and the natural fibres. Both were beautifully packaged in a glasses case-style box, and I was thoroughly surprised when it arrived as it all felt really good quality.

Application was a lot simpler than anticipated, also. After a few attempts, I got from 5 minutes per eye to 5 minutes total. It also definitely made an extreme difference, and I would argue that this product does rival false eyelashes as it is noticeably lighter to wear, and undeniably less irritating! My initial reactions are all positive, loving the look they give and their quality. Here are my results:

(Disclaimer - I know my eyebrows need plucking!)

Despite this, a few hours later I found a big fault which means I will not be repurchasing this product, nor wearing it very often. I found that, no matter how hard I tried to cover all the fibres with the transplanting gel, fibres always managed to fall out into my eye, leaving me half blind with eyes streaming. At first I thought this was just due to my lack of skill with the product, but after trying it for multiple days, in different environments, it didn’t matter if I was sat at a desk all day or out in high winds, the fibres never fully stayed in place.

For me, this was the deal breaker with this product and why it stays, almost full, in its case away in my makeup drawer. As much as I do rely on makeup daily, I still prefer comfort over aesthetic and this product became too uncomfortable too fast. Both application and removal of the product was simple and easy, but the time in between was greatly uncomfortable.

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bisexual

A dedication to my girlfriend

Lucy Ivison is one of the greatest people I’ve ever met. From the first day we spoke I knew she was special, and her charisma shone through every Facebook message and text I ever received. We met at our audition for the University of Cumbria, both auditioning on the same day for the same course. I, however, have zero recollection of this initial meeting despite being reassured by Luce that we actually had a full conversation. Anyone who knows me knows that my memory is terrible, and so I’m glad she forgives me for this forgetful instance! After both accepting our offers onto the dance and musical theatre course we, along with our other friend Lux, started talking on Facebook through the course Facebook page. It’s interesting to point out here that I had never explored the concept of having a crush on, let alone actually dating, a girl. I’d known from my early teenage years that I definitely wasn’t opposed to the notion, but as I was currently in a relationship with my now ex-boyfriend, the thought never really occurred to me.

Weeks turned to months of talking, and after travelling between Leeds and Middlesbrough a multitude of times I plucked up the courage to ask her to be my girlfriend. This was risky for both of us, as I’d just got out of a long term relationship and was reluctant to seemly move on so fast. Yet the connection between Lucy and I was something so beyond the ordinary that I couldn't possibly wait.

Lucy helped me to discover and accept myself as bisexual – both of us being scared to label ourselves anything other than straight with some curious tendencies (the things society does – ey!). We’re so alike with our interests and ideals, our attitudes, humour and our dreams. She was my best friend turned soul mate, and I treasure every second we’re together.

Living together at university has served as a test. After knowing each other for less than a year, some may consider us still strangers, but living together and having classes together has done nothing but bring us closer. It proved to us our compatibility, and any number of days apart is genuinely difficult. I know I speak for both of us when I say we can’t wait to move into our house in the summer and finally live together a little more officially.

I don’t know what I ever did without Luce in my life. She is so wonderful with such a kind and generous heart. She can cheer up when you’re down, be a shoulder to lean on when times are rough, and share your laughter for hours on end. She’s the light that eliminates all my darkness and the very reason for my existence.

She’s incredible, and I’m the luckiest girl alive.