"Dabbling" - Dealing with sexual identity confidence
Friday, December 25, 2015So yesterday I was at work for the first time in months. Since moving to university, I hadn't worked a day behind a bar (or at all!) so I was excited to get stuck back in. Midway through my shift, a friend of mine asked me "since when were you lesbian?!"
Now, for a friend so openly gay the question didn't surprise me at all. It was my answer which was he real shock, when I said "oh I'm not lesbian, I'm just dabbling". What?! Now, it's only been about 4 months since I came out to my family and friends, and it was only about 4 months previous to that that I even considered embracing my attraction to both men and women. I always sort of knew, but I had no obligation to accept it due to being in a long term relationship with a guy. I apparently didn't think that people would ask questions, and now every time it's mentioned I get all choked up and embarrassed.
So my question today is, 'how do I become more confident in my sexual identity?' There's a lot of speculation about whether the LGBT community do in fact accept bisexuals due to the common misconception of us having a choice of sex. It is also apparent that some guys don't even take it seriously enough to consider a woman kissing another woman cheating (what?!). My experience with both of these in the short span of four months is probably the source of my reservations. That, and for the fact that a lot of wider society still frown upon any form of homosexuality. I was talking to my Lucy only last night about whether our children will miss out on certain friendships due to other unaccepting parents. We both find peace in the idea that a lot of our generation are so much more open to homosexuality and everything it entails. You could even argue that it seems to be creeping into the circle of trends.
Being confident in yourself, I find, can be really difficult and takes time. However, changing the way you dress or losing a pound or two can seem to lift most people's mood and confidence. Unfortunately you cannot just pick and change your mind about your sexuality, especially myself as I'm madly in love with another girl. I guess it will just take time, and the older I get the more people may not argue with my romantic affairs. Until then, I'll just have to fight the urge to swallow my tongue every time the topic arises, and learn to love it as a fact about myself, and something that makes me who I am!
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